Pregnancy Mental Health Break: Let’s Panic!

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Babycenter and Parenting are great for pregnancy deets, but the advice jiujitsu of Let’s Panic is satire of the most necessary kind.

Like these pregnancy sections:

Non-Pregnancy-Related Trivia You Can Discuss with Your Non-Pregnant Friends: Apparently those jerks want to talk about something that’s not the miracle growing inside you.

What to Look For in a Pediatrician: Will you choose the attachment-parenting advocate, or the attachment-loathing automaton?

Who’s Going to Catch That Baby?: Wait—do you even have a birth philosophy?

Or their “Surviving Bed Rest” advice:

You can still be a productive member of society even flat on your back in a dark, stuffy room surrounded by dirty teacups. Where your body has failed you, your mind can now develop new paranoias you never knew existed!

Try to figure out what you did to deserve this: Think back. Was it the time you laughed at your mom’s varicose veins? You definitely did something and the Universe waited until now to punish you.

Chat up telemarketers: After they insist that they cannot ship you any diseased carcasses via the postal service, you can get to talking about more personal matters. Like, “Wouldn’t you haul slabs of limestone to your friend’s bedside? You wouldn’t think that was too much to ask, would you, Shonda?”

Knit all of your baby’s clothing for the next fifteen years: For years, every time your child dresses it will be a reminder of how much you sacrificed so that he might be born. Just let him try and complain that his woolen swim trunks bunch up during pool time at camp. LET HIM TRY.

Build a bed-fort.

Anyway, made me laugh today. Pass it on to your pregnant/new parent friends—especially the ones you wish would lighten up a little.

Laura McClure hosts podcasts, writes the MoJo Mix, and is the new media editor at Mother Jones. Read her investigative feature on lifehacking gurus in the latest issue of Mother Jones.

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