Vote ponies and ice cream

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Why settle for one of those indistinguishable corporate droids, Bush and Gore, when you have alternatives? And no, we don’t mean third-party wanna-bes like Nader and Buchanan, either. We’re talking fourth, fifth, eighth, and twenty-seventh parties, all of them listed for your electoral illumination by DC’S POLITICAL REPORT.

If you like your candidates boring, nobody does it like the Boring Party (“What America needs as we enter the new century is a president they can ignore with impunity.”) For a clear vision, try the National Barking Spider Resurgence Party (“We will work to make government large, difficult to fathom, and somewhat cumbersome, but efficient enough to keep the voters satisfied, or at least placidly confused.”) And, obviously responding to concerns about the other candidates’ characters, the Dopeycrat Party is working hard to put a basset hound in the White House.

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If you’re having trouble finding a candidate who meets your world domination needs, don’t miss the Expansionist Party, which pledges to push back US borders and peacefully unite the world, whether it likes it or not. After studying the platform of the Pansexual Peace Party we still don’t know what they’re out to accomplish, but a “Vote for pleasure” can’t be wrong, can it? And there’s simply nothing not to like about the Free Pony and Ice Cream Party.


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Clara Jeffery, Editor-in-Chief

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