All-Purpose GOP Convention Speech

In which Will Durst provides a public service for prospective GOP convention speakers: a pre-fab, pre-approved, pre-digested speech good for any occasion. Hey, it’s worked for all the other speakers.

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Welcome, Republicans. (Applause)

“Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. No, please. Thank you. (Applause continues) Please, we’re on a schedule here, people. No, really, stop. Thank you. HEY! (Applause ends)

Thank you. Boy what a hot-looking crowd. The only thing hotter is the weather here in Philadelphia. And boy is it hot. On my way here, I saw a White House staffer chase down a dog. (Huge laugh, applause.) No. Thank you. No. Seriously. Thank you. PEOPLE! (Applause ends) Thank you.

I also want to thank George Clinton and the Parliament Funkadelic for that wonderful performance. (Applause) Weren’t they great? (Over applause) Bet England wishes their Parliament could move like that! (Stunned silence)

Speaking of George … (holds for suspense) … how ’bout a hand for George P. Schultz? (Rock star applause.) Yo quiero George P.! (Big laugh) Thank you.

Anyhow. And what about those Eskimo kids? Wasn’t their whale-hunting dance inspiring? (Applause, some tears) Because that’s what its all about, people. The kids. That’s what America is about. The kids. (Applause) What do you think about kids?

Let me say, we know America has concerns. (Serious looks) Let me assure you: We share those concerns. (Smiles) As a matter of fact, your concerns are our concerns. Black concerns. Brown concerns. Green concerns.

And I’m here to tell you the next president of this great country, George W. Bush (Applause) is a man who has proved he is concerned about those concerns, especially the green concerns. (Laughter and applause) And after the final nail has been driven into the Clinton-Gore coffin (applause), with the grace of God, our good and loving Christian God,(quickly) and those other gods as well, we will find the answers. Together. Because we’re all in this together. And together we will find the good through compassion.

Conservative compassion. Which George W. Bush has established he possesses a surplus of. A politician unafraid to admit he has prayed for the soul of every man he has executed. America needs George W. Bush, because America needs more good. And less bad. (Huge applause)

And you know what’s good? Families are good. (Applause) Good, moral families like the Utah delegation are best. (Applause) And veterans are good. (Big applause) Even the dead ones. (A moment of silence) And their legacy. Our military. It’s good, right? (Biggest applause) But not our military now, because it desperately needs to be rebuilt (Applause) into the kind of military we can be proud of. (Applause) The kind of military with a commander in chief that can command respect. (Applause) The kind of military capable of annihilating an enemy at the touch of a button. (Applause) An American-made button.(Huge applause)

And come November, when we take back control of this grand country, (Applause) we will have that control. And we’ll use it. For good. Not for bad. Because big changes are coming to Washington. (Applause) Because in order for America to compete in the new economy, our corporations need to be free from frivolous lawsuits. (Applause) Because George W. Bush is a reformer who has proven he can reform bad into good. (Applause) Because this country deserves to expect the kind of proven leadership the people of Texas have had for five years. Because our children need to grow up experiencing less fear and more hope, good hope, not the sequel to the man from Hope. (Laughter, applause)

No, America, we need the opposite. We need George W. Bush to be elected the next president and with your help, that’s exactly what’s going to happen. (Applause) Thank you, my friends. And may God bless America. Thank you. Thank you. Now stay tuned for the fresh sounds of the recently reformed NWA. (Applause)

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